*** THIS IS DIRK'S OFFICIAL PETITION ***
"A golf cart cannot flatten a turkey." — Founder
🚴️ 🌲 🕋 🦃 🕋 🌲 🚴️
As posted to the neighborhood website. It was buried in two days. Reproduced here in full so it cannot be buried again. — D.T.
I’ve been in Dover more than 40 years and I have never seen the downtown as dangerous as it is right now. And I don’t mean crime. I mean the CARS.
Every single evening these souped up vehicles come whistling down Central Ave like it’s a racetrack. Mufflers with screwdriver holes poked in them. You can hear them from a half mile away. Last week I watched a young mother pull her stroller back from the crosswalk by Henry Law Park because some punk blew his hot rod through without so much as tapping the brakes. Nobody honked. Nobody cared. That’s where we are now.
And it’s not just people. Everyone saw what happened to the turkeys on Back River rd. I won’t describe it. Those birds have been crossing there longer than most of you have lived here and they never had a problem until recently. The deer, the geese down by the river, all of it. These animals were here first and they are getting picked off because someone needs to get to the avocado toast drive thru 90 seconds faster.
So here is my proposal. I have sent it to City Council three times. No response. Typical.
Think about it for one minute before you get angry. A golf cart cannot kill a pedestrian at 15 mph. A golf cart cannot flatten a turkey. A child could ride a bike downtown again. You could cross the street without saying a prayer first. When is the last time you heard of a golf cart fatality on Central Avenue? Never. There’s your answer.
And I already know what the comments will say. “Some of us work for a living.” I worked for 38 years, thank you. “I’m a contractor, I need my truck.” Then you get a permit, or you park in the lot and use a cart with a bed on it, they make them, I’ve seen them at the fairgrounds. “What about winter?” Put a roof on the cart and wear a coat. People in this town act like walking a mile is a crime. My doctor tells me to walk more, maybe yours should too.
None of these objections outweigh a human life or the wildlife we are supposed to be stewards of.
I’ll have a petition going. If you care more about your commute than about the safety of your neighbors and God’s creatures, that says everything.
Yours truly, a concerned neighbor.
Updated in real time (I refresh it when something changes).
The status board is powered by mathematics and cannot be disputed.
Many people (2 people) have asked to see my log. People seem to think I am exaggerating. I have kept this log faithfully. It lives on a legal pad next to the window chair. What follows is a selection. The full log is available upon request and is 31 pages.
| Date / Time | Entry (verbatim from legal pad) |
|---|---|
| Tue, 9:47 PM | Souped up vehicle, dark color, extremely loud. Hens off schedule the entire next day. LOGGED. |
| Wed, 6:12 AM | Different vehicle but same energy. Where are they GOING at 6 AM. Nothing is open. |
| Wed, 6:14 AM | It came back. |
| Thu, 8:03 PM | Motorcycle. Technically outside the scope of this log but I will not be excluding evidence. |
| Fri, 9:31 PM | THREE vehicles in a row. This is what they call a "convoy." Beatrice went under the coop and would not come out for supper. |
| Sat, 2:15 PM | Quiet day. Suspicious. They know about the log. |
| Sun, 10:58 PM | Donuts by the mill buildings again. Plate number transferred from my hand to the pad. DPD notified (the police one, this has been confirmed). |
| Mon, 7:22 PM | Loud vehicle but it was Gary's tractor. Struck from record. Apologized to Gary. |
The community response has been overwhelming.
*Mr. H. later attempted to add the word "bad." The original statement stands. You cannot unring a bell.
The number one question I receive, usually in a rude tone, is "what about winter?" So I conducted a study. On the coldest morning last week I sat in Cart #02 (roof model) inside my barn with the big door OPEN for 45 minutes wearing a normal winter coat and the hat my daughter got me. Findings below.
| Measure | Result |
|---|---|
| Comfort level | Perfectly comfortable |
| Coffee temperature at end of study | Still warm (lid on) |
| Number of complaints | Zero. My grandfather delivered milk by HORSE in the blizzard of '38 and never once complained either. It runs in the family. |
| Frostbite | None observed |
| Conclusion | Winter objection is DEBUNKED. Wear a coat. |
Study has not been peer reviewed because my peers refuse to review it.
A certain commenter (initials A.L.) accused me of being "upset that teenagers are riding bikes, walking on the community trail and standing in line for pizza." First of all, thank you for reading my comments so closely. Second of all, I am not upset. I am documenting. There is a difference.
Let me be clear about the facts, which are on my side:
| Concern | The Facts |
|---|---|
| The line at LaFesta | I have waited upwards of 10–15 minutes to even PLACE my order when school is out. I show up to that slice counter knowing exactly what I want. No hemming or hawing. I'm quick and never get it heated. The teens cannot say the same. It is apples to oranges. |
| The community trail | They walk on it when I want to be using it. The trail has room for everyone, in shifts. |
| The bikes | It's a safety issue and you can't pretend it isn't. These teens are able to go where and whenever with these things. Under the bridge at midnight? Sure! If you have a bike, the world is your oyster. No bike? "Aw shucks, gotta stay home and do homework." Which one sounds safer to you. |
| The influx | Dover is dealing with an influx of kids on bikes which has been detrimental to everyone's wellbeing. I call DPD (police) regularly regarding riders who love to play "bike" where they shouldn't. Especially without helmets! I do this out of love. |
Therefore, Phase 2 of the Initiative will include:
Phase 2 is preliminary and open to feedback, which I will consider and then proceed as planned. To A.L. of Cochecho: at least we can agree on the turkeys, neighbor. 🦃
People keep asking what Phase 1 would actually "look like," usually in a tone. Fine. I had a professional 3D render made. This was done scientifically, using a computer, by a person who does this, and it was NOT cheap. That is all I will say about the invoice. When you pay for a 3D render you are paying for accuracy, and every element you see below is therefore accurate.
OFFICIAL 3D RENDER of Phase 1 upon completion. Note the turkey family crossing SAFELY (simulated). Note the shuttle (to scale). Note the sign where the turkeys thank me — I did not request that element. The render simply calculated what the future looks like. That is what the money is for. The City Council was sent this render. No response. They cannot argue with a 3D render so they have chosen silence.
To the commenter who said this "looks like a cartoon": that is what 3D renders look like. Educate yourself before you embarrass yourself further.
You know a movement is real when the political cartoonists arrive. This editorial cartoon is already circulating. Is it flattering? Not entirely. The cartoonist has me as a turkey, which I have chosen to take as an honor. But the MESSAGE is correct: fat cat developers paved this town's waterfront into a cement ledge over a dead puddle, and the wildlife pays the price while doctors jog past $18 toast.
"Dirk's Puddle — Est. Pre-Condos." I have been told satire is a form of respect. I am choosing to believe that.
Answer honestly. Nobody is watching (I have no way to see your answers, the computer boy confirmed).
1. Does your vehicle have a muffler with holes poked in it "for the sound"?
2. Have you ever driven Central Ave like it is a racetrack?
3. When you see a turkey in the road, do you slow down, or do you "not have time for this"?
4. Do you believe the line at LaFesta builds character?
I said on Nextdoor that I would not describe what happened on Back River Road, and I am a man of my word. I never said anything about photographs. A photo is not describing. Chris D., who claims turkeys only live 3–5 years, is invited to look this bird in the eye and repeat that.
Back River Road. Note the skid marks. Note the ABSENCE of brake marks before them. I have measured. The photo has been submitted to DPD (police) and NH Fish and Game, neither of which has responded, which at this point I consider a genre of response.
For the turkeys of Back River Road.
They crossed there longer than most of you have lived here.
Even if Chris D. doesn't know how to read.
They never had a problem until recently.
Gone, but not forgotten. Never forgotten.